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When I grow up I want to be in radio..."YOU CANT DO BOTH"
Jun. 6th, 2006
12:55 pm - new journal?
I need to make one thats private that only friends and family can read and know about...im not sure lj is the place for that. This one just has way to much history, prob not a good idea. Im annoyed I have to make this commercial. I know it could be worse, I could be a telemarketer, its just like damn, like i dont have a million other things to do at the moment. Thing number one is find out what that stupid smashmouth song is called. My office is a freaking mess. I dont know him and I miss him. I got so attached to just talking to someone. I guess had i of not been so damn insecure it probably never would have went this far. Had I not been so crazy in the head making everything drama and so big in my head maybe wed both be ok right now without knowing eachother. I always think that there is a reason for everything and people come in your life for a reason. Then i analyze everything, every detail, every word, the tone, ugh just everything and then my imagination goes crazy. sucks.
May. 23rd, 2006
10:42 am - I decided I should write in here more.
Soo, last night I was telling one of the record reps about "my story" and how I got here and hes like, do you realize what you have accomplished? Do you have any idea how many people would love to live the kind of life you do? He's like be proud of yourself not many people can just leave with a car full of stuff and go somewhere, where they dont know anyone and not have any clue what is going to happen, what the place looks like, where they are going to live. I dont really look at it like that, I look at all the things I still want to do. But, because of the random crazy just strange life I have I should keep a journal of all the experiences I've had for my kids or just to look back on when i think i havent done anything. Ill try to keep all the negative crazy thoughts i have in my head out...ill save those for my future therapist which i realized i REALLY need. So um today...its busy. We are adding everything these days so I have a lot of music to put in and change around. word.
Oct. 3rd, 2005
01:34 pm - I HATE GIRLS
Seriously maybe its cuz they are young. i know i caused drama when i was young. but JESUS CHRIST! should i not say that??? anyway, i get random texts that make me laugh, NOW some girl thinks i did a radio break about her. what. the. fuck. thats funny shit to me right now. hi heres an idea DONT FLATTER YOURSELF. Im sooo not going to care anymore, this is sooo stupid.
Sep. 12th, 2005
01:56 pm - AGFHGGHGAGHAHG
FUCK!!! I have NEVER EVER in my life been frustrated the way i am now...its not even just sex. its sex with HIM!! There is no one else i want to have sex with...at.all. im so screwed. im a freaking virgin again!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Not to mention im slowly starting to give up. It almost seems impossible. I knew eventually id just start to realize it probably wont happen. Even if it did, itd be so damn weird now. maybe, maybe not. point is there is so much time that has gone by so much has happened. The thoughts of not being good enough take over who i am or could be with him. Its so weird. at one point i really believed it would happen, now im not so sure. I dont think he'll ever do this. i have never ever wanted something as bad as i want him and this. its so stupid now, so damn stupid. even if i did see him...i wouldnt know that person, id already be in love with that stranger i was looking at? I could jsut stare at him and think...i love this person and i dont know him. thats the weirdest feeling in the world. its going to take so much getting used to...IF it even happens. im starting to accept it wont and i know i would just have to accept it on my own without everyone else telling me what to do.
I see these pics and i get so damn weirded out, just from a picture of this stranger im in love with. i just look at it like wow i have no idea who you are. its so fucking weird. i dont see it, this picture and myself together. we dont match. at all. not to mention the 450 million girls...AHHHHHH!!! i dont want the drama, im so sick of it now. im starting to grow up a little and just not want all the bull shit at all. another thing thats annoying the hell out of me???? This stupid journal he keeps talking about. I would never want to come across it cuz i know the second i started to read it id be so fucking weirded out id never talk to him again. he said he writes "everything" in it. knowing "everything" would NOT be good for me at all. BUT then theres that part of me that could understand what hes thinking, how his head works, how he feels about me and other girls...that part of me wants to know what he says about me. AND even if it were all good things, id still never talk to him again cuz id be way to weirded out by it. I have just been waiting for one of those girls to send me a link saying "here is what he thinks, have fun" i wouldnt want to read it but a part of me wonders if i really wouldnt...it would fuck up everything. Reading his journal or him cheating on me would end all of this. still when he talks about that thing it drives me fucking crazy!!! i think i may make this private or friends only...there is so much more i want to write but im afraid of who reads this so if you do read it send me an email or commet cuz i think im gonna make a new one, i realized this one is WAY to eay to find.
sooo got this call yesterday. guess thats all ill say about it for now. the other one?? he hates me...i dont want more than a friendship with him and i dont think he likes that much. i dont know why i freak out over the way he looks cuz i KNOW i can get real life hot guys but i just dont want them...ya know if i werent in love with someone id have ALOT of dates right now. i already gave my heart away and now i just wait for him to give me his back...
Sep. 8th, 2005
10:44 am - OK IVE HAD IT
who tells other people about my fucking insecurities ESPECIALLY that girl???? what the fuck. all i want to do is cry right now...that made it soo damn obvious they talk. i cant handle this shit anymore.
It one damn girl after another and everyday i look more and more dumb. everyday i find out more and more shit. i dont get it. i dont. I dont date hot guys for this fucking reason. I dont want this shit. i hate stupid girls. i dont want to date the guy girls throw themselves all over. im not dealing with it. i know thats a stupid reason i know it is. Thats just how ive been for as long as i can remember. I cnat help that i have the BIGGEST fear of being cheated on or left for someone better. I cant stand the thought of divorce and you know what??? this fear is going to keep me from getting married. im 27 its getting to late, ill marry the guy that gets me over this fear...hot or not hot.
Wanna know why im so damn weird?? youd think id be all excited when i hear that hes hot...oh no im not. i get all scared and freaked out. damn am i REALLY that insecure??? i need to leave him alone and just let him do his thing without me freaking out on him all the damn time. this isnt a real relationship. i cant control the other girls and him and what he does. it fucking sucks to hear about it and im so weird i HAVE to hear about it. i want to know everything even if it will kill me. maybe some things are better left unsaid. then when i dont talk to him i get all paranoid hes spending the time he was talking to me talking to someone else. so then i get all sad and then im afraid hell just be around someone like his sec all day and they will just get close and hell like her without realizing its happening. but fuck. i guess thats what happens with hot guys. THATS WHY I DONT FUCKING DATE THEM. thanks.
Sep. 7th, 2005
02:49 pm - GOOD LORD
i have so much to talk about and no time to update this...i will later tonight need to get some stuff off my mind
Aug. 22nd, 2005
12:11 pm - WOW
Sooo i was going to annnnnd now im not...i have to cancel.
This sucks, i hate not talking to him, but i also hate being lied too...i REALLY REALLY hate not being there. I hate that someday i may never know what happened to him, that he'll forget me or go away and id never know. I hate i cant be there for him. I hate that the red light on my phone never blinks, i hate that he doesnt want me right now, i hate that i cant watch him play the guitar while i fall asleep and i maybe i never will. i hate umm alot of things right now.
Aug. 20th, 2005
06:21 pm - SO YEA
Ok, im backing off. All i do is bitch at him and he doesnt need it. I on the other hand am not a weird internet girl...i dont need the lies. Ill just let him do what hes got to do, whatever happens after that happens. It just sucks in the meantime. alot. ok, have to get ready for the firehouse...hi, i have had ummm NO sleep. hung out with "the click five" until 3am on friday got up early to go rafting, AND i had to do manual labor after the show. i so tired. tomorrow gotta pack and finish all errands, mon tony lucca concert...maybe. and tues....clue? weds...im freaking going home!!!!!! i cant freaking wait. annnnnd i just want to be with him...why is that so hard? i cant make him want me...i wish i could.
Aug. 18th, 2005
01:47 pm - 3894836439848093 TO MANY ISSUES
thats how many he has...and at 21. wow. its freaking sad and ya know what??? not a damn thing i can do...its almost annoying. like fuck just pick yourslef up and move on. I know oh wait i dont know the pain of losing a child but i do know that there is nothing he can do...nothing. Why would he just wnat to sit around and feel pain all day long????? ummm just do things that make you happy and at least it will help ease the pain. i know hes so young who has to go thro all the crap he has?? sucks. i dont know what to do anymore. i cnat help him, he wont even let me. i knew there would come a time i would just be at my limit...now would be one of those times. i feel helpless and i dont even want to try anymore... fuck i cant, i dont have it in me at all...he needs to make this happen and let me help him before i just get over it. not to mention how am i supposed to meet his freinds and family??? hi im that weird girl that has been the cause of drama in your life...please like me. riiiiight. sucks NO ONE knows why i stayed...he doesnt tell them cuz i was the ONLY person that knew he was going to kill himself...how the hell do i just walk away from that?? i dont. and i didnt...so now here i am 11 months later. HURRY THE FUCK UP ALREADY, JESUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Aug. 17th, 2005
02:54 pm - KNOW WHAT ELSE??
I used to write about all these things he was telling me he was doing...and well NONE of them are true...whose a dumbass raise your hand???
*raises hand*
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